I'm posting this because I'm looking for perspective and help with my mental health and I guess to make more human connection. I've been working on being a better, honest, and vulnerable person all around cause for the majority of my life I've been closed off, introverted and kept to myself, never really verbalizing how I truly felt.

I recently came out of a 15 year relationship and started seeing a provider. When I initially contacted her, I never expected to catch feelings (for anonymities sake we'll call her provider A) . In fact before seeing provider A I had seen another provider before her and everything was good (provider B). During my visit with provider B I reached orgasm, had a short chat and was done. Not quite feeling satisfied I reached out to provider A.

When meeting provider A, I was quite nervous, I was really taken aback by how attracted I was to her. Talking to her I felt genuinely connected and even though during our session I didn't orgasm I felt fulfilled.

From the moment she left I knew I had caught serious feelings. I had to see her again so I booked another appointment for 2 hours. During this appointment we talked and cuddled the majority of the time and this visit I did orgasm and it was explosive. After the one orgasm our time was up and she was on her way. Again I missed her tremendously and booked another 2 hour appointment.

It was during this appointment I really let myself be vulnerable with her. I bought her flowers and I shared intimate details about my life and she did the same. We shared about our personal lives, our real names, our friends, etc. I felt like we were making a genuine connection and maybe even touching into the realm of building some kind of relationship. It was towards the end of this encounter I shared with her how I felt and that I was really falling for her.

I saw her two more times once for an overnight and the other for a two hour dinner.

Finally that brings us to today, we had been planning for another overnight, I had booked a nice hotel, made reservations for a nice restaurant and was really excited to see her. The entire night was kind of a train wreck and a little bit awkward. I told her again how I felt about her and that I was honestly kind of scared that there might come a point where she would stop talking to me. She assured me that that, wouldn't happen and that she really liked me and being with me. At the end of our overnight I was incredibly sad to see her go again and proceeded to do my best to sleep it off. When I couldn't sleep I went to check on our usual channels of communication and found that she had blocked me.

Long story short I caught feelings for a provider, fell into those feelings hard, shared my feelings, shared more feelings, was told I was crazy and ended up being incredibly hurt.

There are a lot of missing details to this story (conversations, actions, etc) but this is the shortest version I could make without getting into personal detail. Now I understand that catching feelings isn't the ideal thing to happen while hobbying I just feel incredibly hurt that in my attempts to be honest, vulnerable, and upfront with what I thought, felt, and wanted. That I was basically lied to, manipulated, and discarded for being too sensitive, clingy, and pushy.


Last note rereading this I know this can read like a very very stupid situation but again this is my attempt to use this forum as a healthy outlet in writing/sharing my feelings in order to be a well functioning human being and I guess I'm hoping I'm not the only person this has ever happened to.

Anyways thanks for reading this and possibly responding, also I'm new to the community... so hello.