How about a little humor? Show your funny side!

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

Story of my life.
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[Lovinglifeinaustin]

Someone on Facebook asked what I wanted my farts to sound like. This was my immediate thought.

[tcreative2]

SCHOOL SPELLING BEE


Moderator: spell the word - seaward
Young consestant : C - U - N
Moderator : please stop, jesus stop now

[tcreative2]

Woman tries to cut off Lover's penis, missed and cut his thigh

Charged with missedaweiner

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

My wife is reading Runaway Vampire. At some point in the book cunnilingus is referred to as a box lunch.

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

Top 162 condom slogans

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt, shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horse's ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the ****
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection, sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate, hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her, plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle, then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake, then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter, it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador, then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool, cover your tool
55) Hood that match, then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch, then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log, then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize
64) Cover old pete, then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard, then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole, then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number, then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein, then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle, then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink, then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern, then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry, then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout, then bore her out
80) Conceal your train, don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge, then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout, then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister, then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel, then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish, then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between her legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder, then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun, then shooting's more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor, then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood, then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak, then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate, then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian, then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer, then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk, then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod, then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife, she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle, then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash, then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob, then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug, then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer, then impail her
126) Rope your dope, then make some soap
127) Net your salamander, then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper, then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed, then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef, then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose, then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis, then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch, then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks, then pound her box
136) Cover old sly, then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail, then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude, tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter, then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam, then bam that ma'am
143) Corral your ram, then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver, then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick, then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart, then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot, then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip, then split her lips
149) Contain that leach, then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm, then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese, or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land, then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her, protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt, then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer, then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post, then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy, then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon, the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
162) Wrap your whopper, then go bop her

giving credit where credit is due…

https://www.netjeff.com/humor/item.c...=CondomSlogans

[slocum]

I was thinking that the brain is the most highly developed organ in the body and then I was like wait. Who’s telling me this?

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

I read a Facebook post this morning that reminded me of this classic.

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

​What’s the difference between a rooster and a h000ker?

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[slocum]

Ran across some Emo Phillips the other day.

"My classmates would have sex with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps."

"I found my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. I said, 'Get off me you two!'"

"I was with a girl last night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you could have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tags on her toes."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you are older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: stuff you pay good money for later in life."

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

Happy hump day!
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[Lovinglifeinaustin]

A recent provider ad reminded me of this silliness from the 70s.

[SexySammy]

Sex jokes aren't funny. I mean cum on people.

[Lovinglifeinaustin]

[SexySammy]

ALL THE TIME. If you haven't seen the new Elementals movie with the scene of the apple trees "picking eachothers fruit?, I just about died!