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Thread: Needing some advice...

  1. #1
    Audra Baron's Avatar
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    Hello lovelies!

    I am needing some serious advice about a special friend of mine who has been a long standing client.

    Recently, this person has begun replacing my donations with gifts and has demanded and harrassed me for extra time, when he is not even meeting his standard financial obligation. I believe there are great things that can come from contractual relationships as they allow people to open up to a completely objective third party about their lives. However, this gentleman has crossed the boundaries of what I am able to provide and continues to push forward. I am receiving many emotional emails daily and am worried about how this will all play out.

    My question is: How do you handle a friend who is not respecting the boundaries you so clearly set?

    PM me for more info if you need it. Advice is greatly appreciated!



    Besos,

    Audra Baron

  2. #2
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    There are a number of great threads & discussions on ASPD about this very topic.......oops....ASPD no longer exists....but I'm sure it will be back any day now....LOL

    Bottom line, once you are sure it is not just a simple miscommunication re: donation you need to have a candid discussion. The whole email thing suggests he may have developed an unhealthy attachment. You may want to quit seeing him period.

  3. #3
    Audra Baron's Avatar
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (atlcomedy @ Mar 29 2009, 11:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    There are a number of great threads & discussions on ASPD about this very topic.......oops....ASPD no longer exists....but I&#39;m sure it will be back any day now....LOL

    Bottom line, once you are sure it is not just a simple miscommunication re: donation you need to have a candid discussion. The whole email thing suggests he may have developed an unhealthy attachment. You may want to quit seeing him period.[/b]
    Thanks for the advice. Many candid conversations were had. My fear, as he is an active poster on another board, is that he will retaliate by trying to ruin my reputation. This is all so ridiculous but it gives me stress nonetheless.

    Besos,

    Audra Baron

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Audra Baron @ Mar 29 2009, 11:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Thanks for the advice. Many candid conversations were had. My fear, as he is an active poster on another board, is that he will retaliate by trying to ruin my reputation. This is all so ridiculous but it gives me stress nonetheless.[/b]
    Cut him loose. A lot of guys are all talk no walk (hey, Camille -- add that to your list of phrases on the other thread). I actually wouldn&#39;t stress too much about it.

  5. #5
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    Audra,
    You are right to be concerned. I helped a provider that I was also close freinds with through the same thing years ago. It got kinda ugly. I&#39;m sure you have told him this is a business and not a dating service etc. I wouldn&#39;t cut him loose cold turkey that may trigger a bad reaction. I would get in touch with the mods on any boards you&#39;re on and tell them what&#39;s going on. I&#39;m sure they will step in if he starts posting BS about you. I cam pm you my experience if you like....in any case step lightly...BYD

  6. #6
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    Is this not the peril many ladies court who profess an emotional connection with their ....I&#39;ll use the word &#39;patrons&#39; instead of clients? I am not saying this about your particular situation but I have been skewered on here for trying to inject some reality that this is just a trumped up acting class. A class where either party can yell "Cut, that a wrap&#39;&#39; at any time. The ladies who talk about their &#39;patrons&#39; in such loving glowing terms are sometimes then surprised at this line crossing behavior.

    My advice is to tell him exactly what is on your mind....that includes not playing any games by trying to squeeze him for more financial support. You have a person in a bad emotional state, who may agree to anything to continue to see you. That would not be wise on your part. You can sever the relationship with this person completely.......or at least until he has come back to his senses. I then would do a complete assessment on my part in how I missed the sign&#39;s.... or my part in maybe leading him to think this is not a BUSINESS transaction.

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (WTF @ Mar 30 2009, 09:04 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Is this not the peril many ladies court who profess an emotional connection with their ....I&#39;ll use the word &#39;patrons&#39; instead of clients? I am not saying this about your particular situation but I have been skewered on here for trying to inject some reality that this is just a trumped up acting class. A class where either party can yell
    "Cut, that a wrap&#39;&#39; at any time. The ladies who talk about their &#39;patrons&#39; in such loving glowing terms are sometimes then surprised at this line crossing behavior.[/b]
    Heaven forbid you inject reality or common sense around here....

    What cracks me up are the women that advertise an experience "so good you&#39;ll never want to leave" or something to that effect and then when they actually deliver on their promise wonder why their &#39;patron&#39; has developed attachment issues......

  8. #8
    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Audra Baron @ Mar 29 2009, 09:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Hello lovelies!

    I am needing some serious advice about a special friend of mine who has been a long standing client.

    Recently, this person has begun replacing my donations with gifts and has demanded and harrassed me for extra time, when he is not even meeting his standard financial obligation. I believe there are great things that can come from contractual relationships as they allow people to open up to a completely objective third party about their lives. However, this gentleman has crossed the boundaries of what I am able to provide and continues to push forward. I am receiving many emotional emails daily and am worried about how this will all play out.

    My question is: How do you handle a friend who is not respecting the boundaries you so clearly set?

    PM me for more info if you need it. Advice is greatly appreciated![/b]
    The problem here is that you are insisting on "contract" not "life philosophy". If he has grown fond of you, discussing things in business terms will be insulting to him. These discussions can be had in a different aura. However, if he is unbalanced, no matter how you approach him, nothing will change.

    Asides from attraction and financial comfort, the special ones need to be chosen based on psychological stability. There are always clues to such things. Be careful, things can turn ugly when an insecure man can&#39;t get what he wants on his terms. Treat him with kid gloves, but stand your ground. This could very well be about him wanting a sense of power, more than it is about you.

  9. #9
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    My new advice then is to have Lauren screen for you! lol

    Maybe she can train your suitors that the exchange of money for one&#39;s time/service is not a business transaction but a lifestyle choice. That sounds just like the salesman at the Bentley dealership or some high end Condo/Penthouse residence.

    To be perfectly honest there is no set way to get out of these situtations. They are all different and without details from both parties it is really hard to have a handle on the best course of action. Good luck.

  10. #10
    Britlicious Camille's Avatar
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    Audra:

    You use the word stalking and the fact that someone is doing that to you worries me...greatly.
    Stalkers typically have a mental disorder of one type or another from research I have read.
    I&#39;m going to guess that he&#39;s not being so overt (i.e. following you, just showing up at places where you are) since you mentioned emails.
    Nonetheless, unwanted emails and phonecalls, anonymous or otherwise are still something that need dealing with.
    I havent really had to deal with over excessive email thing so I&#39;m afraid I don&#39;t have any great advice.
    If I am wrong and he is following you etc you really need to think about involving a third party (lawyer) and fairly quickly. I&#39;m not being OTT in that suggestion, so please don&#39;t brush it off as not necessary. Stalking can get out of control fairly quickly and that&#39;s why most States have some really tough laws on this type of behavior. The stalkers will downplay and justify it...but dont let him if he tries to do that. I do know how intimidating it is to feel stalked so I feel for you. Maybe that&#39;s what you need to explain to him...tell him that&#39;s how his behavior makes you feel (stalked)? I dunno, it&#39;s hard to say without knowing the gent in question...
    If you need more help and support please dont be afraid to reach out.

    Camille



    "Work like you don&#39;t need the money, love like you have never been hurt and dance like nobody is watching" Satchel Paige

    " Life is not about the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away" anonymous

  11. #11
    Woody of TX's Avatar
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Camille @ Mar 30 2009, 10:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Audra:

    You use the word stalking and the fact that someone is doing that to you worries me...greatly.
    Stalkers typically have a mental disorder of one type or another from research I have read.
    I&#39;m going to guess that he&#39;s not being so overt (i.e. following you, just showing up at places where you are) since you mentioned emails.
    Nonetheless, unwanted emails and phonecalls, anonymous or otherwise are still something that need dealing with.
    I havent really had to deal with over excessive email thing so I&#39;m afraid I don&#39;t have any great advice.
    If I am wrong and he is following you etc you really need to think about involving a third party (lawyer) and fairly quickly. I&#39;m not being OTT in that suggestion, so please don&#39;t brush it off as not necessary. Stalking can get out of control fairly quickly and that&#39;s why most States have some really tough laws on this type of behavior. The stalkers will downplay and justify it...but dont let him if he tries to do that. I do know how intimidating it is to feel stalked so I feel for you. Maybe that&#39;s what you need to explain to him...tell him that&#39;s how his behavior makes you feel (stalked)? I dunno, it&#39;s hard to say without knowing the gent in question...
    If you need more help and support please dont be afraid to reach out.

    Camille[/b]
    Camille has some very good points as well as several others have mentioned, but my first suggestion of course, which I am sure that you have already done, is to not accept any future financial obligations. P4P at that point does not exist. It is very important that you handle the circumstance with kid gloves as mentioned above, all people are unique and need different courses of action to solve the problems, thing twice about your actions, and always be aware of your surroundings, its never to much to be extra careful. Talk to a lawyer and find out you rights, if you were here in Texas or Florida, then is quite easy... but NC I have no idea.

    If you decide to meet, do it in public...and I would suggest having a friend somewhere near by.

    I know that you probably already know all of this...but as all of us, we only want the best for your safety.






  12. #12
    Woody of TX's Avatar
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Lauren Summerhill @ Mar 30 2009, 08:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Be careful, things can turn ugly when an insecure man can&#39;t get what he wants on his terms.[/b]

    I know that we are talking about a male in this topic...but I have seen the female gender in this same perspective. All based on the individual.

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Woody of TX @ Mar 30 2009, 11:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    I know that we are talking about a male in this topic...but I have seen the female gender in this same perspective. All based on the individual.[/b]
    True dat! It cut&#39;s both ways. Crazy is Crazy. Goddess or not.

  14. #14
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    Audra, I had something similar starting to develop a few years ago. Very slowly I started backing away and putting some distance between he and I. I wasn&#39;t sure how deep he was in or how far he&#39;d go. Don&#39;t be available or as available. Let his calls and email go for awhile before answering. Hopefully he will see you have other things, interests and clients that require your attention. Wean him away slowly and he may not respond as strongly. I did have to directly say "we are not going there" but after I had defused the situation a bit.

    I now watch for the signs someone is getting to attached.
    Good luck and be careful.
    Tess
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Woody of TX @ Mar 30 2009, 12:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    If you decide to meet, do it in public...and I would suggest having a friend somewhere near by.[/b]
    It is stories like this that make me evaluate the overall security in place in my life: home, office, garages/lots I regularly park my car etc. A lot of us, including many guys, have pissed off a lot of people fairly or unfairly over the course of our professional lives.

    Someone else in this thread suggested going to the authorities under stalker laws. I&#39;m not sure this situation has reached that level, but assuming it had, unfortunately given the nature of this business, I think a lot of people would be afraid to go to the authorities for fear it would "out" their involvement in "the hobby"

    Seperately that is why so many "cash &#39;n dash" type scams work. Not many guys are going to head down to the police station and file a report claiming they gave an escort a couple hundred bucks and she ran out of the hotel room as soon as paid.......

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