If someone asks you for the truth...do you give it?

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03-24-2009, 09:50 PM
Camille

I am really interested to hear people's thoughts on this, given a recent post elsewhere.

If someone asks you a question that is a direct request for the truth...do you tell them (the truth) no matter what it is?

It doesn't matter if it's "Does my arse look big in these?" "Did you fuck her?" ...etc...would you tell the truth if asked?

As I said before, I'm not laboring under any misapprehension that we all tell the truth all the time....but how much truth do we tell when asked?

I totally understand that the truth can be tough to hear, but two things come to mind before lying ever would:

i) They asked for the truth. I assume if they ask for it, they want. If I ask for the truth, I expect to get...well the truth otherwise I wouldnt ask!!!

ii) If it's a sensitive subject, it is possible to be honest with being a complete shit. Honestly, I think some people are untruthful with their responses not because they think the truth will hurt too much, but because they dont know (or want to know) how to be honest.

I'm not down with this bullshit of reading between the lines and over analyzing people. Tell me what you want and hey..I'll do my best. I genuinely appreciate directness. For the record, I detest (with big "D"'s) reading between the lines and trying to figure people out. Sorry, if you havent walked in my shoes then...you can't.

Ok...bed time for me...give me something interesting to ponder tomorrow....I'm particularly interested in hearing from the men.

Kisses

Camille xxxx
03-24-2009, 10:05 PM
Sysiphus

You gonna hate my answer, Camille! But my answer is...

"It depends."

I try VERY hard to live my life K.I.S.S. I probably fail more often than I succeed but that's the goal.

When it comes to applying K.I.S.S. to direct communication, all I ask from those I allow close enough to question me at all is the following:

1. Ask me whatever you wish! I reserve the right not to answer... at least not right now... You'll KNOW when I'm doing this. I'll say, "I rather not say.." OR, "I'd rather not discuss that now..."
2. Never ask me a question you don't REALLY want answered.

If somebody "comes correct" in that regard, then - yes - I answer directly & let the chips fall where they may. If not, I still may answer directly even if I think my response will hurt... but only if they leave me no other way out.

I know how to tell the truth. I know how NOT to hurt people. I don't always know how to do both at the same time.
03-24-2009, 10:38 PM
Rudyard K

Gotta go with Sis on this...It Depends.

First I guess it would depend on how well I know someone. I don't really mind saying something that is not favorable...but I have to see some upside in it. Are they really being serious that they want to know the truth? If they know the truth is it going to make a positive difference? Is my answer more likely to harm them or me? If it is only me I can be more honest.

Its the inbetween people who are the most difficult to deal with on a tough question. Someone you barely know is probably not worth the effort of getting too worked up about being too truthful with a tough question. Be truthful and let the chips fall where they may...or keep your mouth shut. Who cares? Someone you know really well is probably more able to accept a tough answer. They already know the depth of your affection. But the in between peson is a bit tougher. They may not be as comfortable with my answer...and I have no intent to harm. But being false is not good either. So, it is a crap shoot...it just depends on the question or the answer.

Like most things in life...There are no simple answers.

Whatever prompts you to ask such a question? :D
03-24-2009, 10:57 PM
Sysiphus

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Rudyard K @ Mar 24 2009, 10:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

Whatever prompts you to ask such a question? :D[/b]

:D I assume you know her well enough to ask the question!!!

I'll cop to thinking it... but wasn't gonna ask!!! :P
03-25-2009, 05:22 AM
Camille

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Sisyphus @ Mar 24 2009, 10:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

:D I assume you know her well enough to ask the question!!!

I'll cop to thinking it... but wasn't gonna ask!!! :P[/b]

It was a post elsewhere...where this question of honesty came up.
It got me thinking that's all. :huh:

I have tried to think of someone that I dont know too well...who has asked me to be honest with about something.
Can't actually think of anyone (maybe we just don't ask that of someone we are not close to...I know I don't which is why I expect the truth from those I'm close to)....so I don't have experience to share there. That said, I'm sure I'd go the route of the two of you...which is to say nothing. I'll agree with that. Perhaps I should have asked my question in the context of someone you deeply like/love/respect...etc.
I'm sure there are times over the years where my mother has (initially) wished I had lied to her about a whole manner of things...and I bet a few boyfriends too. But what I've come to learn is that whilst the truth hurts, lies hurt more (and usually for longer)...I know that from my own experience. I would never want anyone to deal with unecessary pain or hurt and in the grand scheme of things, I genuinely do believe that honesty will usually prevail especially if solicited.

Ok...plane to catch...thank goodness it is warmer there than "here." :lol:

Kisses

C xxx
03-25-2009, 07:42 AM
MrGiz

Very good question , Camille!!

Sisyphus and Rudyard K have already stolen my thunder.... excellent replies, each!

I concur !!

Giz
03-25-2009, 08:09 AM
atlcomedy

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Rudyard K @ Mar 24 2009, 11:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

Gotta go with Sis on this...It Depends.

First I guess it would depend on how well I know someone. I don't really mind saying something that is not favorable...but I have to see some upside in it. Are they really being serious that they want to know the truth? If they know the truth is it going to make a positive difference? Is my answer more likely to harm them or me? If it is only me I can be more honest.

Its the inbetween people who are the most difficult to deal with on a tough question. Someone you barely know is probably not worth the effort of getting too worked up about being too truthful with a tough question. Be truthful and let the chips fall where they may...or keep your mouth shut. Who cares? Someone you know really well is probably more able to accept a tough answer. They already know the depth of your affection. But the in between peson is a bit tougher. They may not be as comfortable with my answer...and I have no intent to harm. But being false is not good either. So, it is a crap shoot...it just depends on the question or the answer.

Like most things in life...There are no simple answers.

Whatever prompts you to ask such a question? :D[/b]

Best Answer.

People lie for selfish reasons. Telling the truth takes a lot more time, energy & emotional currency. It is n0t so much a matter of hurting someone's feelings but the subsequent follow-on discussions after telling the truth trying to clarify your point of view and often helping the person you've told the truth too take corrective action.

Then there are things where it just makes no sense to tell the truth. Of course the new parents' baby is gorgeous.....and even if it looks like WTF, why give them a complex. There is a good chance it grows into a nice normal looking kid.
03-25-2009, 08:29 AM
pjorourke

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Camille @ Mar 24 2009, 10:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

"Does my arse look big in these?" "Did you fuck her?"[/b]

No. Yes.
03-25-2009, 08:41 AM
Sysiphus

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Camille @ Mar 25 2009, 05:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

It was a post elsewhere...where this question of honesty came up.[/b]

Elsewhere... there's an "elsewhere"??? Does EVERYBODY know about this?!?!?!? :P

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Camille @ Mar 25 2009, 05:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

Perhaps I should have asked my question in the context of someone you deeply like/love/respect...etc.[/b]

Hopefully, it doesn't change the crux of my answer much but it certainly changes the "calculus" that goes into each decision. For example, in THIS context I disagree with your original premise that it makes NO difference if the question is

"Does this make my arse look big?" vs. "Did you fuck her?"

It makes all the difference in the world!!!! :D

When you know somebody THAT well you have to take into account the dynamic you have with the person doing the asking. Is the person doing the asking "straight ahead" enough to simply be seeking information? Or, is it somebody who has something else in mind? IOW, you have to factor in whether the question that was spoken out loud is REALLY the question that's being asked.

What do I mean by that? Well, in the case of the first question, it could be anything from:

"I KNOW my arse looks great/awful. Will YOU tell me my arse looks great/awful?"

to

"Do I matter enough to you for you to handle me gently - BUT NOT LIE - when I'm not feeling particularly good about myself?"

As for the second question... Jesus! Books have been written on all the permutations....

I agree that it is better NOT to lie but whether you tell the truth or refuse to answer... it's as much about HOW you do so as it is WHAT you do. You can refuse to answer in a curt or dismissive manner. Or, you can explain WHY you're not going to answer in a positive manner. You can tell the truth bluntly. OR, you can explain that an unpleasant truth really isn't that significant BEFORE you give it.

I didn't see the "R-word" (ie, relationship) in your question anywhere but it sounded to me like that's what was on your mind. Successful relationships are built on intimacy. Intimacy is built on trust. You can't be intimate with somebody you don't trust.

In that sense, lying is a terrible strategy. But then again, so it asking questions that put the other person "on the spot" all the time! :D

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Camille @ Mar 25 2009, 05:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

Ok...plane to catch...thank goodness it is warmer there than "here." :lol:

Kisses

C xxx[/b]

Off you go! Safe travels!!! Warmer "here" but not necessarily nicer... looks like a steady diet of t-storms for us all week....
03-25-2009, 09:30 AM
WTF

OK, not sure if this applies but we are on a discussion board. We discuss a variety of things and we all have differing opinions. So we all have varying forms of what we consider the truth. Science or fact based question are another topic altogether. They have known universal truths.

So when asked if her ass is to big, of course it is left up to discretion. Did you fuc her...again, discretion. But when having a discussion about say gays and specifically whether laws on the book effect them negatively economically. Should you tell the asker of that question the truth? I say absolutely. If they in fact asked, stated they did not believe in economic discrimination and then when confronted with that very fact....that they indeed do support economic discrimination by supporting such laws, they change the tone to one of what a psychopath YOU are. Now that may very well be true lol but it has nothing to do with whether one supports economic discrimination. So we are back to RK point of i-s it really worth telling someone that you barely know on the internet the truth-.....even a universal truth. I say yes but completely understand RK train of thought in ''what's the point.''.....I've had it cross my mind more than once concerning Ms Cole inquiry.

Rent "12 Angry Men" to see where you might stand on this issue http://www.cheathouse.com/essay/essay_view..._essay_id=11588

All that said there is a vast array of expertise in varying fields on this board....I would have been gone long ago if every poster agreed for the sake of unity and did not share their knowledge, somewhat truthfully hopefully. So really if you gotta ask if your ass is getting big the problem does not lie (pardon the pun) in the answer it lies in the question.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (atlcomedy @ Mar 25 2009, 08:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

Of course the new parents' baby is gorgeous.....and even if it looks like WTF, why give them a complex. There is a good chance it grows into a nice normal looking kid.[/b]

Hey now Atl...I was a good looking baby boy.....I just grew up to be a ugly asshole!
03-25-2009, 09:39 AM
MrGiz

Another thing to consider is... how complicated do you want it to be, to live with your answer?

To lie... or tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... depends on how complicated of an answer you're giving to the question.

As we all know.... it's a hell of a lot easier to remember the truth, and be able to repeat it, perfectly.... than it is to remember "which lie did I use"?

Giz
03-25-2009, 09:57 AM
MrGiz

Then , of course.... How Big of a hole do you want to dig for yourself?

When asked "Honey... do these jeans make my ass look big" ?
You may want to take a little time before you answer "No Baby... I think your ass makes those jeans look big"!! B)

Giz
03-25-2009, 10:06 AM
chipper

My memory sucks so I have to tell the truth. I do try not to be hurtful in my answer though. There is a difference between being honest and just mean!

Chipper
03-25-2009, 06:51 PM
Guest 072509-1

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Sisyphus @ Mar 24 2009, 10:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

You gonna hate my answer, Camille! But my answer is...

"It depends."

I try VERY hard to live my life K.I.S.S. I probably fail more often than I succeed but that's the goal.

When it comes to applying K.I.S.S. to direct communication, all I ask from those I allow close enough to question me at all is the following:

1. Ask me whatever you wish! I reserve the right not to answer... at least not right now... You'll KNOW when I'm doing this. I'll say, "I rather not say.." OR, "I'd rather not discuss that now..."
2. Never ask me a question you don't REALLY want answered.

If somebody "comes correct" in that regard, then - yes - I answer directly & let the chips fall where they may. If not, I still may answer directly even if I think my response will hurt... but only if they leave me no other way out.

I know how to tell the truth. I know how NOT to hurt people. I don't always know how to do both at the same time.[/b]

I'm with you Sisyphus, and agree that the K.I.S.S method works best for me also.

I prefer others be honest and direct with me, however it depends on the question and the recipient as to my response to a specific question. Generally, I "tactfully" tell the truth, unless it's going to hurt their feelings.
03-25-2009, 07:46 PM
Sysiphus

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Kay Sommers @ Mar 25 2009, 06:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>

Quote:

I'm with you Sisyphus...[/b]

Why thank you, 'mam!!!

NICE pic!!!

Alas... "with you" in this case... JUST a figure of speech! ;)

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